Sunsets and Dead Ends…

I love sunsets. Really, who doesn’t?
The end of a day. Be it good, bad or wonderfully beautiful…winding down, to rest from a long day at work, or wherever and from whatever you’ve done.
To sit and relax, catch up on a favorite TV show, read a book, or work on a craft project.
We examine our day, and if things have not gone well, we plan on the things that will make the next day better.
Sunsets, the end of one day, and the possibilities of another tomorrow.

Dead Ends….when we come to the end of the road, do we turn around and go back, or do we find a different route. In relationships, we move forward…in trips, we look for an easier, shorter route.

It’s getting to be the end of another year. I say that mostly with great sadness…It’s been 6 months since my sister died…I still feel as sad as the day she left this world. The holidays don’t help much…but I’ve never really liked the holidays. And it seems that as the years go by, I find less and less to enjoy. Maybe I should stop believing in the “fairy tale” stories of a God.
That would certainly take care of Christmas! But, alas, it is easier said than done. And it’s not the actual day that gets me, its the all the days before.

Examining my life at the close of the year….I don’t know, it sucks as much
as it did last year! LOL….Still in a rut, maybe even more. I’m seriously thinking of asking my doctor for some, “happy pills”! Who know, it could change my “shitty attitude”! I’m seriously thinking that I should go to the doctor….my body’s been sending messages for months, and I’ve been ignoring them…not good. I know. But, I don’t care.
It feels like the world conspires against me….and so do some people!

I’m thinking I need to divest myself of things, people….after a while, why keep that which does not benefit you, physically, emotionally or spiritually…
Less baggage, less untruths, less games, less B.S…..Just bogs you down.
Your not as important to some people as you’d like to believe you are…while your fixating on what good things to bring, they are fixating on better things, and better pickings….certainly not you. It’s all a game, and you’r the toy.
But, damn, it’s hard cleaning out the closet!
Oh well, after all these years, whats a few more. Right?

Shopping, I haven’t done a thing. Good things for gift cards. I’ve never been one to want things, gifts from people…the fun was all in the shopping, looking for something fun, something new, something that wouldn’t sit in a closet, or a drawer….but this year…I would like for someone to give me something….I don’t know what. I haven’t really thought about it….but, it’s just the thought, to be remembered and appreciated. Oh well….if it’s not happened in all these years, who am I kidding to think, its going to happen now. I remember the last time I got my hopes all up and it sure was disappointing when it didn’t happen. It’s like when someone goes on a trip and you ask them to bring you back something, and they come back with something for everyone else….and then give you some lame excuse for why they didn’t bring you back anything….Lame excuses….I hear those all the time! I’m not significant enough to merit a caring thought and some cheap souvenir. LOL…
I try to remember something someone told me years and years ago….
“Our rewards are waiting for us in heaven”….well, what the fuck happens if you don’t get to heaven? Huh?
I do dislike the holidays, it just seems to bring up all the crap I hold in all year long, sometimes, crap from years and years past. That’s not good!!!! Think of the positives, not the negatives…if someone doesn’t appreciate you…fine someone who will. Or just keep doing what your doing…sooner or latter, good things will happen…maybe not from the people you expect them from…but from something else, someone else. After all, Christmas is all about giving. And certainly, our greatest reward will be, making it to heaven…the description of hell that I will always remember, was not the stench of sufler, and the burning fires….but the darkness…being separated from the Love of God, from the Light of God.

Even now, though we may not be perfect, though we may sin and live in the shadows of God’s Mercy…we can still feel the light of He’s ever presence, feel the love of He’s Love….in hell, we will feel nothing. There will be no beauty to feast upon…In the evening sunsets we watch a beautiful horizon with unbelievable colors…in the morning mist, we see the rays of the coming sun, the night giving way to light…in the flowers that bloom in the fields, the beauty of the man you love, the woman you share you life with…in the children you hold, the friendships that tie you to memories from years past…an abundance of beauty surrounds us…to think of being separated from all that…never to see it again….to think, we will never be reunited with our parents, a spouse, a loved one…that our eternity will be filled with darkness and lonliness. What a terrible thought.

Christmas…the birth of A Child who would change the world…redemption. A new life. Christmas, a time to give and be thankful, even for the smallest of things…even for the people who cause you grief, break your heart…In all the bad that happens in the world, in the evil that exist, we still are able to find
a piece of beauty, a glimmer of love and peace…

Merry Christmas….may it shine in your heart not just on the 25th….but everyday of the rest of your life.


Some days, it just doesn’t pay to wake up or to be nice!

Fair: 1.
in accordance with the rules or standards; legitimate.
“the group has achieved fair and equal representation for all its members”
synonyms: just, equitable, honest, upright, honorable, trustworthy; More
antonyms: unjust, biased
just or appropriate in the circumstances.

It seems that ever so often I get a lesson in what fair is. Today’s been one of those days. Ever get up with the best of intentions on your mind? And then someone throws a grenade in your parade.  Sometimes, I wish I had a heart of stone.  I wish, I didn’t care, I wish, I fucking wish I could die! Because life just isn’t fucking fair!

A glass of wine, that always makes thing fair!


I’m Crazy

Remember the song, Crazy, sung by Patsy Cline?

I’m crazy for loving you! Maybe we give men the power to use the word, crazy.

I’ve fallen into the bad habit of calling myself crazy….when I have an outburst of emotions; good, bad…”I’m crazy ” I’m feeling crazy, I’m having a crazy moment. I say.
No, I’m not crazy. I’m angry. Angry does not make you crazy, well unless you start throwing things.
I’m upset, not crazy. I feel insecure, I’m not crazy. I’m afraid, I’m not crazy! My feelings are hurt, I’m not crazy. You hurt me, I’m not crazy. I’m tired, I’m not crazy.

Anytime, I have some emotional outburst, I’m crazy. No. I am not crazy.
I’m just an emotional woman. Sometimes I cry because, I’m sad, I’m tired, or I’m happy. Sometimes, I just don’t know why I have an emotional outburst.
Sometimes I just hold everything in and one word, one small unintended action can cause me to lose it and just burst out in tears. But, I am not crazy.

I’m tired of being labeled, crazy! When you catch someone in a lie, they tell you, your crazy! When someone defends their behavior, by turning the argument against you and the first words that come out, “your fucking crazy”….your having a crazy episode, your one crazy bitch”

People are so quick to define you, to keep from being honest about their actions and behavior.
Maybe the thing that bothers me most….is that these are people whom you love and people that tell you they love you.

I not crazy. I’m just tired.
How does one find a place that doesn’t exist, never has, and never will.
I’ve lived most of my life with few rules. One of them, don’t ever do anything for someone expecting something in return. Whatever you may do, for anyone….never expect anything in return, not even a thank you.
And lately, the giving jar has been running really low….and I need it filled…and maybe I need a little validation. Maybe that’s asking too much.
What am I. Who am I. What do I mean in life, in your life?

I’m not crazy. I just love life and you.


Sometimes I’m reminded of my place in life…..well, especially in the life of the people we know. The people we love, and the people we think love us.

Today….I will start treating people like they treat me! Seems only fair.
With indifference and certainly with a lack of consideration!


Another Year!

It’s not a bad thing being 63….I feel the same way I did yesterday! But ask me that a year from today….

I don’t mind birthdays, I just wish they didn’t get here, so quick!
Life is suppose to slow down at some point….or so I heard…..when you get old, when you retire, when the kids are all gone…but it just doesn’t seem like it does….it moves a little faster and in those quiet moments when no ones around and no ones listening, I sit and contemplate my existence…and count my blessings, one more day, one more memory, one more hug, one more kiss….the sweet words of being told your loved and cared for…the little arms of hugs and the arms of of the people who love me, the ones I love. All tightly squeezing and caring around your neck become more precious and inviting….

The shared memories with friends, and family…
The everyday tasks and the continued gifts of sights and sounds, smells and touch..
The world lives at your fingertips…..a slight caresses, a beautiful rose from my garden, the striking red colors of cardinals flying about….a beautiful sunset in the horizon, like a painting, as the evening sets and night takes hold of your hand and gently sits with you in slumber…dreams of faraway places, people you’ve loved and love…all waking you up to greet another day….another sunrise.

It’s a beautiful October day…..the spirit of my parents, my sister take an extra tight hold of my heart and soul this days….fond and joyful memories…smiles and caring words…they filter softly and gently thru the breeze, touching my heart….how I miss them so…but they live in my memory…they live in each of us who carry their blood and DNA…always here…Always!

I’ve had a wonderful morning….in the presence of God…with the the man I love most in this world. In the good things that have helped shape me into the woman I am today…even the negative, even the unkind people have helped. Tall the things to give us courage, help us to love harder, be more appreciative of the blessings we have, of life!

It’s a good day to be alive!!!


Sent from my iPad

I waited

I waited for you…car after car drove by…people walking Down the sidewalk….some lost in their thoughts, thinking of their complicated life’s….other Oblivious to the things and people around them….still others, rude and too full of something… The people who were friendly far outnumbered the rest, but you remember the negative before you remember the good. I waited….sitting there…searching the faces, the cars..for a glimpse of you….for a smile a wave, acknowledgement…I waited. Where were you? The night grew darker and colder. And I continued to sit, to look, to wait. Wrapping my scarf tighter around my face, my hands digging deeper into my pockets….I could see my breath floating up into the sky. It slowly rose with each breath I took and exhaled….I thought of smoke signals…maybe you would see them…writing your name high on the horizon..lite by the city lights…maybe you would see my message….I’m waiting. The hours passed..the people left..the cars gone….the silence grew…the moon began to creep up in the distance…full, large, round…bright red and menacing in the sky….it smiled a pathetic smile and seemed to wink at me…I’ll wait with you she said….the hours passed and yet you did not come! My feet are numb, my fingers cold…my tears freeze as they fall to the ground…the frozen grass crunches under my feet…..and I wait for you…. Have you forgotten…have you finally forgotten me…the moons moved further in the sky…it sits right over my head…like a giant crown it hovers over me…She looks down on me….a sad look in Her face….She whispers, go home..he is gone…never to return…I wave my fist at her and yell, No, No…. I sit here waiting…the hours have passed, the nights turned to tomorrow……My life I’ve wasted, waiting for you..image