Life

Life is an amazing gift….Of course it sounds cliche…but, and you don’t even have to think about it…life is amazing.
Even when the poop hits the fan and your down to your last friend or dollar…there is always something to make you smile, something to make say, DANG, AWWW…or a flower to smell, a Statue to stare at….

Years ago while going thur some really horrible things…I took up walking…
actually I took up running. It was a way to run away from my problems…from the cruel trick life had played on my family…but selfishly, myself.
I was walking at our local park…trying to figure out how to continue this life that had suddenly been turned upside down and I had no idea how to fix it…
Minding my own buisness, walking, thinking and suddenly I feel a wet spot on my forehead…I thought it was rain drop…so wiping away rain spot, I wiped away a big chunk of bird of poop! At first I was angry…and then I laughed, looked to the heavens and pointed my finger at God, and yelled, Okay, God, it isn’t funny….first, so and so shits on me and now you too…You must really hate me…What Have I Done to Offend You So Much?

I cried, and kept walking, the tears turned to laughter…and I was no longer so angry….because in the moment of my deepest dispare, I found something to laugh at….I try to remember that whenever something new comes along…something that seems to turn over my life…in the middle of life’s teaching moments…there is laughter.

Though sometimes, it seems overwhelming….Lately, I seem to have found a hole in which I buried myself up to my neck and have had a hard time digging out…Depression, saddness, lose, love, longings, dreams, the feeling of feeling like I don’t belong…not even in my own skin….

I found a piece of paper one of nightly walks recently, a page torn out from a book….”cheating wife”…..and I thought about the words…and I thought about my life and how we cheat ourselves out of things, happiness, joys,
love and so many other things…you don’t have to have an affair, you don’t have literally cheat…..but by living your life for people who have no appreciation, or gratitude, or emotional skin…is cheating oneself from happniness…from peace….from emotional health. We usually lie to ourselfs…about relationships, the thing our kids do, that we thought they’d never do…our spouses or siblings….our friends…like after 30 years finding out your best friend is secretly working for the CIA…..well, that doesn’t count, but, you see what I mean.

I guess, I’m hitting that time in my life, where I am just taking stock of my shelfs, and finding out, I’ve got a lot of stuff missing…or maybe I’m missing a lot of stuff….Have I put in more then I’ve gotten back, or have I been the one
taking and not returning…I tend to do that. I’m emotionally needy…I confess.!
I have to ask myself every morning, is this worth it? And every morning, the answer is, I don’t know. And I don’t know if I want to know….

I used to dream, that when I retired, I would travel….go to Europe, maybe just once, but it would be enough….I’m not a greedy person…I can be happy with little. We would travel…pack up the car and go across the country…and one day I woke up and found out that it was just all a dream….financially it can’t happen and Europe is out of the question for other reasons….
So being a person of, lets find something else…I am content to travel thru the eyes of someone else…living vicariously off other peoples travels…and
on occasion, I gas up the truck and take a day trip….
I’ve done some traveling…I haven’t just traveled to my back yard…I’ve crossed oceans and have a stamped passport…even though it’s just for one country…it’s a place most people will never go too…so I’m blessed with that experience….I like to look for the silver lining in a sea of caca!

You know, people always ask you, ” how are you, tell me, whats going in your life’? And depending on who they are…you might share whatever
is happening, from the sob stories to the good things…theres always that
one person who you can confide in, or if not, at least someone who you can tell some of your problems too….and sometimes, you sit back and question, how much is too much…how much can you share without sounding like your totally not in control of your life…how much can you share, without sounding like the complaint department….Sometimes, people don’t want to know you sob stories…they just say that to be nice…because honestly….
when was the last time, you told your friends, as they sit to spill the beans, or tell you the horrible things they’ve been living thru….and you say, “you know what, I don’t really give a shit about whats going on in your life…I don’t want to know, I dont’ want to hear it….and if you were any kind of responsible human being…your life would be perfect…so shut=up and suck it up”……of course 99 percent of us would never say that…we might occasionally think it…but we sit and we listen and if we think we can, we offer advice…or a word of support and encouragment….
And I say this, because I find myself at this time in my life, with very few
people to confide in…..There are some secrets that you can only talke
to a few people…it’s not something to post up on Facebook and there’s more then 140 characters for Twitter…..

Yes, life is certainly interesting…from getting caught up in a spiraling downfall, to talking too much, to mourning, to anger, to dispear….to
feeling alone, to just wanting to throw in the towel and say, screw it….
it’s just not worth it anymore…how much do I have to settle for…
how much do I have to acquiesce too…

I don’t know….I feel like my soul is under attack…and the people
whom I thought loved and cared about me are the ones attacking it…
and the fear that brings sometimes is overwhelming….its like a slow
suffocating struggle…someone with their knees on my chest….
If you really care about someone, you don’t do that…Someone once
told me, when you think of doing something that is against everything you’ve ever been told…or if you want to lead someone to do something
against what they believe, it is like opening the door of hell and pushing them in…you begin one fire and before you know, it is out of control…
would you lead your kids to do wrong…of course not…

Yes, life is certainly an amazing gift…after all, we are giving one chance
at it…and when we give up control of our destiny…we veer off to a road which leads to some hellish things….even hell itself. I travel this
journey we call life, alone….occasionally someone stops to help… or we
reach out for a hand to help us…Someone once told me….Lupe you were born alone…you came of your mothers womb, traveled down that birth
canal and took your first breath of air all alone…why must you think you
need someone at every crossroad in your life…sometimes, our journey
has to be alone…sometimes, it is the saving grace…to travel that journey
alone..without anyone to share your troubles with…your joys, sadness,
disappointments…

Today, I begin that journey….Hoping that when it ends it will be worth it.
And the only Person whom, I can honestly say, that will listen and
not reproach me, or throw my words back at my face….that Person
is God…and I have to have faith that He does exist, that He waits
at the end of my journey….because there isn’t anyone else….I thought
there was..but in reality…everyone is too busy trying to figure their
own life….

Life it has its joys…it has its disappointments…but in the end it goes on…it goes on.

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