One of my nieces posted this up earlier on Facebook…sitting in bed reading it, I started to cry…sobs of emotions just poured out…I don’t often
get too emotional about things I read…but this really hit me.
Maybe it’s dealing with the recent death of my sister…I
know that it takes time to get over…or get passed a loved one’s death…
There’s this empty piece missing…I was trying to remember something the other
day and I thought, Polly knows…and then it hit me, Polly isn’t here.
And I guess, it’s compounded by the thought that I might lose one of my
best friends…maybe my best friend, sometimes, my only friend. I couldn’t
figure out how to deal with those two emotions and reading the story, just
brought it all out…
life isn’t fair…that keeps churning around my head…I’ve always hated
saying that, “It isn’t fair” because saying it made me a victim and I didn’t
want to be a victim…of anything or anyone. I like taking
responsibility for the things I do, the things I say…if I fail at
something, I admit it…if I screw up, I own up to it…so it really
bothers me whenever people feel sorry for me…I don’t like it…
But today, I just kept thinking, it’s not fair, it’s not fair.
I’ve lived this complicated sort of life…I think from the moment I
was born…so all the things that have happened all the things I’ve seen,
experienced. I like to believe that those things, have made me a little better
person then I would have been if I had not had those experiences…
I certainly have learned what the word empathy means…I’ve learned
humility…I know what being poor is…living in a house where you
could see daylight streaming thru the slats of wood…the creature
comforts of home, were not available, and I feel guilty many times
because I take those things for granted now. I’ve moved from living
in abject poverty, to an upper middle class to middle class life…
it’s pretty amazing. I am proud of my life, my story.
Of course I’m not always proud of the some of the things I’ve done…but my life, It truly has made me who I am today. It’s been pretty amazing.
Losing those we love, either because of death or moving on..can
be a traumatic experience. It jolts your senses, hits you in the
gut, takes your heart and crumbles it into a million pieces…wounds
your soul. It isn’t fair!
Watching my sister dying was one of those moments that stays with you
forever…I’d only seen two other people die before…and it was
painfully sad..I wasn’t there when Polly took her last breath,
but I remember watching as her heart slowed down, little by little.
Her granddaughters had gathered some found objects at the Hospice
she was staying in…they fashioned two small crosses from sticks of
wood, they found a cross in their moms bag and a couple of pretty
rocks…one of them was placed on her heart, it wasn’t done
intentionally, but it was there…and as Polly’s life slowly
ebbed away, you could tell by the movement of the rocks…
When we were kids, we lived by a creek…just a few hundred yards
from out house…and every time it rained, we would run to the edge
of the creek and start lining up rock to watch the water move up…
we lived on a rise, and my dad knew how far the water usually rose,
and so we had never been in any danger of being flooded away…
but we’d sit and watch as the turbulent water rushed down that creek
and as it rushed down the creek rose, washing away our markers…
Our dad would stand next to us, keeping us far away from any danger
but close enough that we could see as the water washed and covered
up our neatly lined rocks…our flood markers.
So it was with Polly…those little rocks made us aware of
her slowing heart beat…as her heart fluttered and pumped
life saving blood to her body, the small rocks would flutter also…
it was an amazing thing to watch…I would sit mesmerized by
Polly’s beating heart…You never see a person’s heart beating…
You may lay on a person chest, and hear or feel the thump, thump…or maybe
catch a pulsating vein…
Life takes away so many things, so many people, some of whom are too
young…some of whom we’ve just only have begun to know, to love
or we’ve loved for years…and we aren’t ready to let them go.
And not just to death, but to whatever the world has planned…
I loved my sister…I was not ready to let her go…
I have loved someone for so many years that they have become a part
of my being…and I am not ready to say goodbye…I can’t..it’s too soon.
When your heart feels like it is breaking and you don’t know what
to do…what happens then…WHAT?
It isn’t fair!