I took a walk around the square this evening. My form of exercise! There was a beautiful sunset, not the orange and red hues we’re accustomed too, or maybe that came latter, after I got home, but what I saw was pretty spectacular!

It was a kind of a cloudy evening, rain clouds to the north and west and peeking threw all this were rays of sunshine, clouds in different hues of blue. There was a even the slightest little strip of baby blue, that made me smile! Dark blue to black clouds, gray clouds, white ones too. And that little strip of baby blue!
Different shapes, like an angry artist had thrown buckets of whatever paint was closest to him! Just flung them across this little section of the sky to produce this beautiful scene.
The rays of sunlight streaming from the high heavens to give the artist light.

As I walked further toward the square, looking at the opening in this formation I kept waiting for the return of Jesus! My vivid imagination, Jesus in eye blaring white, descending from the heavens! I laughed and thought, God must be laughing at me right about now!
Did you know, that at one time, there was this big discussion among theologians on whether Christ ever laughed! I read that somewhere, don’t know if it was true, but it sounds plausible. Men can sometimes come up with the stupidest notions and they think women are weird! HA!
Well, back to the clouds, there was no Jesus…so then I thought, maybe a spaceship! Why not? It’s my imagination, my story!

It was a lovely sunset, gave me time to think of my sister. Wondering if she could see me walking? Does God allow a soul to peer thru a window into the life and people it left behind? I don’t know, no one else does either. I would on occasions of my walks to the square would call Polly to see what she was doing, latter, to see how she was doing. We would plan our next lunch or shopping expedition. And for a split second, I thought about calling her, and then I remembered, I couldn’t.

We take so many things for granted. Sunsets, people. I thought of the few times Polly felt like she was all alone, people wouldn’t call or visit, and she write about it and post to her wall. I was one of those people. I have this thing, I hate bothering people. And I hated bothering her, especially on the week of chemo when she felt horrible. Of course, rarely did she complain, she took your call and talked or listened and after a while you I could here in her voice how tired she was, and I’d say goodbye and I love you.

We do take life for granted! It’s a gift, a once in a lifetime gift. Like the sunsets. Tomorrow, a more beautiful sunset could happen, and I can ooh and ahhh. But those sunsets end when we take our lady breath. The people we love, the people we dislike, maybe even hate, the best of our friends, our family, the few we love and give our hearts too, their life’s like a beautiful sunset fades slowly into the horizon, leaving memories, wonderful loving memories.

People miss you Polly Herrera, I miss you! I love you sister! I hope there are sunsets in heaven! And if there’s a window from which you can see us, wave at me sometimes! So I know your there, cause it sure is empty here without you!


“I love you wit…

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”
― Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets


Don’t you ever want to walk up to a person, wag your finger
in their face and say, FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!!!

No, I suppose you don’t…your a good person…you wouldn’t even
think to consider being that mean….well, I’m not that kind of
person, but ever so often, though lately, it’s seems like a lot more…
that I get that feeling…where I’d really like to tell people what
I think of them…what useless lots they are…how the world would
just be better if they didn’t exist…take a flying leap…go play
on the interstate…hold your breath for good. I know, I know,
that’s mean….makes me sound hateful…and I guess I am…
But, I’m just tired…tired of putting up with peoples shit…
they lie, they do things that just give me too many “what the fuck”
moments…Not that I’m immune from causing the same sentiments
in people…I’m not a saint! God, far from it!

Today, it just grates on my nerves…and I wanted it to be a good
Tuesday…it isn’t. Maybe it was the peach canning experience…maybe
it just waiting around…I’m tired of waiting! I’m just tired.
Maybe it’s having your feelings get hurt…maybe, it’s people saying
things that to them are funny…but I don’t think it’s funny.
Maybe, it’s being taken for granted…maybe it’s not getting flowers
or someone going on a trip and not bringing back a cheap gift
to say, here, I fucking remembered you, quit bitching that no
one remembers you!
Maybe, I should just go back to sleep and start my day off
tomorrow! Maybe, I need to get rid of all the people that
just piss me off…maybe, I should just chalk it up to life…it is
what it is…HA!!! I hate that fucking saying….
It is what it is…like your consigning yourself to this life and there’s
nothing else! There is something else, isn’t there? There’s got to
be! Right?

I realize people aren’t here to make us happy…we do that on
our own, find our own happniess, make our own happiness…but
doesn’t it help when people lend a hand…or at least throw a few
crumbs your way! Give you hope…give you a sense that your
worth the time and sometimes, trouble…
Why do I feel, like I’m surrounded by so many people, but, I feel
so alone!

Maybe instead of going back to sleep….I’ll get up and, head out
into the world and just be mean, mean to everyone…instead
of my usual smile, I’ll sneer at people….Ben makes fun of my
sneer…he says, you keep doing that, your face is going to freeze
into that position…sounds like something my parents would have
told me! “So what if it stays like that forever, it’s what you deserve!”

Okay, I think I feel better…No, not really…I blame my moods
on those left over renegade hormones left in my body…who
should be dying out, but they dont’ want too…they fight
fearlessly for a few more years of bitchy and don’t fuck with
me or your ass will be grass attitude….

I am woman, and I still do roar! GRRRRRRaawwwww…

And, LIFE, fuck you…your a shitty asshole, I hate you.


Perfection, not even saints are perfect! Isn’t your heart ever heavy when you come across people who live a “Christian Life” and yet treat people like dirt, they steal, they hate, they take advantage, they ostracize others because they think they are better then you. We know these people, we may even be them. But little do we remember that forgiveness is a gift, a gift from God, how do we expect to be forgiven by our Creator if we cannot forgive our brother, our sister, our parents, our neighbor, or anyone else that has wounded our spirit? If we cannot make peace with those who make up our life how can we expect peace in our heart.

My mantra is always, I am an imperfect human being, always struggling to do good, I fail miserably many days, every day! I am no better then anyone else, my place in this world is as a servant, a servant of God. I fail Him continually.

Years ago, I heard someone say, if God allowed us to look into the mirror of our soul, we would die that instant! So imperfect and dark would it be! So whenever I find myself judging someone I think of those words, knowing that I am not better, holier, saintly then anyone else. Instead, I struggle everyday, I have my demons I battle, my imperfections in my heart, my soul, my mind; always, always needing healing, prayer and the Grace of God!
In that same conversation, I also heard the saddest words that have
ever pierced my heart….every sin that we commit is like taking those
nails and nailing Christ over and over, continually He suffers from our
sinfulness….And, yet, I still take that nail and without conscience, I strike
that nail head and drive them deeper into His wounds…I fall to my
knees in sadness and tears sting my eyes, seeking reparation, asking for forgiveness and even at times death to end my suffering and to end
His suffering….

On the constant days that I shut my ears and heart from the Voice of God, from His Love and harm those I care about, my selfishness consumes me, my pride rules my heart! In the solitude of my heart I hear the voice of My Savior, bringing words of comfort, of love and encouragement. Reminding me always, I am a child of The Father, who is a constant in our life, in my life. He sees the struggle and understands my pain and waits patiently like our earthly father to ask for help, to ask for guidance. I have only to ask.

As the world grows in darkness and sin, we are moved by the love of the Holy Spirit to a life of prayer, praying and lifting one another up, offering our love, heart and soul to our Heavenly Father. Finding a place in my heart to find the courage to forgive, to love, to be less in love with the materialistic, the things of the world and more tuned to the things of God
Perfection I am not, struggle as I may, it will never happen. But I can find it in my heart to be less harsh with those I love, those I know. To be forgiving of the small slights I may feel from those around me, helping me to forgive the bigger things and in turn people forgiving me, because, yes, at times, many time I need it more then most!

Pray for the world, pray for yourself, pray for those you love and yes, pray for those you dislike and may even hate, pray for peace in our world, for our leaders, for the poor and oppressed!
We are all in need of prayer and in need of Gods Mercy!

“What makes people hypocrites? They disguise themselves, they disguise themselves as good people: they make themselves up like little holy cards, looking up at heaven as they pray, making sure they are seen—they believe they are more righteous than others, they despise others. ‘Mah,’ they say, “I’m very Catholic, because my uncle was a great benefactor, my family is this, I’m that… I’ve learned… I know this bishop, this Cardinal, this priest… I am this or that…’ They think they are better than others. This is hypocrisy. The Lord says, ‘No, not that.’ No one is justified by himself. We all need to be justified. And the only one who justifies us is Jesus Christ.“ Pope Francis

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Most of us never really contemplate death….especially when we’re young…it happens to friends, to distant relatives. As we get older we see death closer, it touches our lifes.

On May 25 my sister Polly died. She had been battling colon cancer for about 4 and half years…she fought a brave battle, but in the end, she couldn’t win.

Death is a un welcomed friend to us all….eventually it comes for us.
I saw my mother die and though her death was not by all means peaceful, she did not suffer. On the other hand Polly suffered much…thru chemo treatments and personal struggles…disappointments.
It was at times difficult to watch her….she’d always been active, always doing something…working in her garden, her home, her family and little by little, it all came to a grinding halt.

I wonder thru the days as if in a daze…I see things, I read something…I get an email and my first thought, I have to send this to Polly and then it hits me, Polly isn’t here anymore. I push my cart thru the grocery store and I think of all the family get togethers she planned…saying, we need to make
memories, “I want to leave behind good memories for everyone”…..and she did…I drive thru my little town square and remember the many trips we walked around, shopping in the antique stores, the clothing boutiques…and always, always stopping off to eat lunch. We loved to eat…it was a sister thing….when we got together we ate!

It feels like a piece of my heart has been torn out…I miss my sister so much….and though people say they understand, they really don’t.
Your parents grow old and they die…but they’ve lived a good life, they’ve left you with years and years of memories…you lose a friend and you feel
the tug in your heart….you lose your partner…and you miss the things you shared…the places you visited…the many nights you laid together in bed…making love, holding each other, reading, trips and on and on…but as the months go by and the years go by….you move on…you find companionship in other people you may even find another partner to share your life with….but when you lose a sibling…no one can replace them…there’s a bond that is as strong as the bond of a parent and child…you can’t replace your children either…I will never have another sister like Polly….I will never be able to sit across from her and listen to her voice, her stories…I will never hear her
say, “I love you sister”….or the simple questions…”lupe you wanna go get some lunch?” I will never have the chance to feel the warmth of her hugs.

Everyone tells me, time will help…and I want to believe that..
I want to go back to 5 years ago and start all over again….before the cancer…before time ran out and I want to do all the things we talked
about doing…I Just want to go back…but I know I can’t….

So, until the time comes where my heart will not feel like its breaking….
I will remember all those memories we made…in between tears
and laugther, the memories will sustain me…

If you have siblings, take the time to get to know them….spend time
with them…and tell them you love them….tell all the people you
know….all the people close to your heart…tell them what they mean,
how much you love them…because death comes knocking when you
least expect it….you never know how much a person means to you
until they are gone…